Finding the Words

For most of my life, I didn’t have the words to explain what I was feeling. I just knew something was off—like I was carrying a weight I couldn’t name, one that made everything feel harder than it should.

Learning about C-PTSD changed everything. It made me realize I wasn’t the problem. Looking back, it all makes sense now. My world has always felt chaotic. I’ve always struggled to feel safe emotionally. I grew up in an environment where instability was normal, where trust was fragile, and where I never really knew where I belonged.

From an early age, I learned to be hypervigilant—to scan for danger, to keep people at a distance, to protect myself before I could get hurt. I didn’t know it then, but I was shaping my entire life around survival.

For years, I thought how I felt was just part of who I was—disconnected, anxious, emotionally reactive. I struggled in school, not because I wasn’t capable, but because my mind was always somewhere else. I wasn’t thinking about my future; I was just trying to make it through each day.

Therapy has been in and out of my life since I was a kid, but for a long time, I wasn’t ready to process anything. I had supportive therapists, teachers, and friends, but I was closed off. I had learned to keep everything inside, to act like I was fine even when I wasn’t.
Looking back, I realize I wasn’t trying to push people away—I just didn’t know how to let them in.

Creating a Life That Feels Safe

Now, I live a quieter life in the Canadian Rockies, surrounded by nature—and for the first time, I feel like I can breathe. Being here has given me the space to slow down, reflect, and explore who I am outside of survival mode.

It wasn’t until I started working with a trauma therapist a year and a half ago that things truly began to shift. For the first time, someone helped me put words to my experience—helped me understand that the way I was living wasn’t just who I was, but a response to everything I had been through.

Healing isn’t linear. Some days feel like progress. Other days feel impossible. But I’ve learned healing isn’t about erasing the past—it’s about learning to live with it without letting it control me.

I don’t have all the answers. I’m still figuring things out. But for the first time, I’m giving myself the space to try.

This is just the beginning, and I’m grateful to share my journey.